So, internet, its been a while. Then again, it always is between posts. I know no one reads this, so i dont mind so much. I know i only have to post when i feel like posting.

We are pretty much smack bang in the middle 'o winter. Im surprised at how much i am absolutely loving winter this year. So far, whilst feeling a little chilly, the cold isnt affecting me all that much. I totally prefer winter over summer, and this year, this particular winter just confirms that

This morning i was reading back over my original posts. When time passes one forgets how they feel at any particular time, or what they were thinking, so im glad I wrote these, as they are an insight into my old life, and the transition i went through from that person, to the person who i am now.

Reading back over the 'breakup' posts in particular, i no longer feel any pain. This morning all i could feel was amazed that i felt all that, as ive managed to completely move on surprisingly well. I dont remember feeling anything at all, now that time has passed, so im greatful of those posts, as a little reminder of how far ive come.

I am still enjoying being single. My life is good. I do still have bad and good days, but then again, so does everyone. There has been so many changes in my life that there is really no point listing them all.

Ive decided this is the year for me going out and doing all the things that i never did when i was making a decision based on what someone elses opinion was. I figured that if i am going to be single for a while (and im starting to believe that, honestly, this is whats best for me) then i might as well live life to the mutha flipping max, and go all out.

I have to say tho, with all the heartache ive endured, all the rejection, ive never laughed so much as i have this year, ive never felt so carefree. I find myself not worrying over things that used to worry me so much. Its a great feeling, something that you cannot explain, something that you just have to feel for yourself.

Anyways, im meant to be getting ready for my god daughters 6th birthday party, so id better cut this short for now.

So, internets.. whats new?

Im still alive, still riding the ups and the downs, but thats life, and i wouldnt want to be living it any other way

I recently met someone and things, whilst being very early on, were going well. Turns out men are able to be completely into you one moment and then off finding someone else the next.. Whoooda thought!? I had forgotten what it was like to feel so high on lust and excitement... and i'd also forgot how painful the flipside of it can be.

I do think it happened for a reason. Even if i am slightly jaded now - I am a little less trusting of people i think.

I haven't given up on finding someone. Ive been through so much in the last 12 months and i truly think i am a better, stronger person for it. I imagine that special person will be hard to find - but not impossible. If i have to have some bad experiences along the way, then thats fine with me - it will make the end result all that much more worth while

He is out there, im sure of it. Im sure we will find each other when its least expected!

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven... even... no

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you,
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah,
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cos she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven even... no

What am I gonna to do when the best part of me was always you,
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah,
I'm falling to pieces, yeah,
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other ones leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
(Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)

Oh you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm try'na make sense of what little remains ooh
Cos you left me with no love and no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break
No it don't break
No it don't break even no

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you and
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up that you're ok
(Oh glad your okay now)
I'm falling to pieces yeah
(Oh I'm glad your okay)
I'm falling to pieces yeah
(One still in love while the other ones leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
(Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)

Oh it don't break even no
Oh it don't break even no
Oh it don't break even no

Ah Weekends. I fucking love weekends.

Its night like these when being single is hardest. So often i find myself sitting here alone, oh so lonely. Its times like these when i have way too much time to think back on the last 5 years of my life.. which is never going to be something that is going to make me feel better

Its times like these when i feel so depressed. So alone, so misunderstood

The truth is, i dont think anyone can pull me out of this feeling.. i know i have to do it for myself.. the odd thing is there is something about feeling this way that feels somewhat comforting. I know thats not normal, and its something i battle with.

I have come a long way in 5 years.. I feel as though i have grown so much as a person. I try and focus on thoughts like this when i have one of these down moments and can usually pull myself out of it

I think the thing i miss most is just being held. What i would give just to have a guy wrap his arms around me. How much i miss waking up lying next to someone and going to bed with someone at night.

All the other stuff, is complete bullshit. I can do without all of that stuff. Unfortunately its an all or nothing type of situation.. and i know if im not ready for one part of it then i am not ready for it at all.

One thing i do know is that i will not waste my life again with someone who i do not love. I will be strong enough to say "enough is enough... i am now going to walk away"

If nothing else, i have learnt to be a stronger person. Each day that goes by, everything gets a little better.......and i know i am going to be OK

So i continuing to settle into my new house just fine. I find that about 95% of the time i am completely happy with my life, which is a big improvement for me, considering what ive been through

I get the internet on the 15th of December (this Monday) and am soooo loooking forward to it. Man i miss it.. i really really do =o)

Tomorrow night is the annual Service Desk Christmas Party.... i plan on getting really drunk, and am hoping to get a lift home from *someone* im just really not sure who yet =o)

Not a whole lot else is going on at the moment, so this is just a brief post to let everyone know i am still alive and well!

So ive moved, and im settled now. So far its going so well.. i couldnt be happier! Am missing the internet sooooo much but fortunately have it at work, which will tide me over until the 15th, which is, i have been told, when it will be setup YAY

Its amazing how everything can change so suddenly. I always go on about how amazed i am looking back at things, and how far i've come. This time last year if someone had of said to me "this is what your life will be like on the 4th of December, 2008" i would have slapped them in the face and called them an idiot.

I am happy things have turned out the way they have, but i still feel as though i havent actually come to terms with everything that has happened. Who knows how long that could take. I still feel a little numb, especially where the opposite sex is concerned - I guess im scared of being hurt again - I am missing certain aspects of being in a relationship, but mostly im just enjoying being me... and i need to give myself time to sort my life out

So im in this place where im terrified yet excited, anxious yet thrilled and tired yet wide awake.

There are two days left until i get the keys to my new house. We move this saturday, i cannot wait to sleep in my new place saturday night. I cannot wait to say a very permanent goodbye to my own life and make some serious changes in my new one.

Its been two months, two months too long in my opinon. I have discovered that i am a lot stronger than i thought i was. I feel i am a better person now. I love and hate being single, and there will always be good and bad days, but the very idea of that is exciting to me.

I owe a lot to my friends and family who stuck by me and very quickly disposed of him. Im not sure how he feels about this, probably upset. But in order to get through this all i have to stop thinking about him, what he wants and what he feels.. and start to get it in my head that this is my time now. I am my own person, all the decisions i make are for ME

Im not sure what others will make of my opinions.. Im sorry if you dont agree with it, but its the way im choosing to deal with it.

I cannot wait for this weekend. Unfortunately this weekend will mean one bad thing, the end of the internet for a little while and perhaps another (temporary) hold on this blog

As soon as things quieten down (and my new naked dsl gets connected) i will continue blogging

Until then, Merry Christmas everyone! Take care of yourselves

Spookily accurate...

We're driving slow through the snow on 5th Avenue
And right now radio's all that we can hear
Now we ain't talk since we left, it's so over due
It's cold outside but between us its worse in here

The world slows down
But my heart beats fast right now
I know this is the part
Where the end starts

I can't take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through our fingers
I don't wanna try now
All that's left is good-bye
To find a way that I can tell you

I hate this part right here
I hate this part right here
I just can't take your tears
I hate this part right here

Everyday, 7 takes of the same old scene
Seems we're bound by the loss of the same routine
Gotta talk to you now before we go to sleep
But will you sleep once I tell you with hurting me

The world slows down
But my heart beats fast right now
I know this is the part
Where the end starts

I can't take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through our fingers
I don't wanna try now
All that's left is good-bye
To find a way that I can tell you
I hate this part right here
I hate this part right here
I just can't take your tears
I hate this part right here

I know you'll ask me to hold on
And carry on like nothing's wrong
But there is no more time for lies
'Cause I see sunset in your eyes

I can't take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through our fingers
I don't wanna try now
All that's left is good-bye
To find a way that I can tell you

That I gotta do it, I gotta do it, I gotta do it
I hate this part
I gotta do it, I gotta do it, I gotta do it
I hate this part right here
And I just can't take these tears
I hate this part right here

So i was just reading through my old posts and considering removing all ex-boyfriend-related posts. I've decided against it cause for better or worse it was part of my past. Its funny though, i was saying to someone the other day that you dont realise how much of yourself you give up to be with someone else, and reading back through the old posts just prooves that.

Am i happy this happened? For the first time i can safely say Yes. I can do whatever i want now. Im completely my own person, which is something i dont think i've ever been before.. Its fucking frightning as, but oh so exciting

I get the keys for my place hopefully on the 8th of December, and i cannot wait. My current flatmate and i are moving in together, which will no doubt mean many good drunk nights..

Its going to be an awesome summer. I cant wait

Alive, alive, alive, alive
Never thought the day would come when I’d see
My reflection smiling right back at me
It’s been a while since I’ve been happy
Not sure that I’m ready
I never planned on lettin’ love in
Didn’t wanna go back there again

But maybe I could
Maybe I should
Take a, take a chance on you

Tonight, I’m lost in the music and lightsI
don’t wanna let go but I might
If it’s right
Tonight, tonight, tonight, tonight

Is this real?
Cause this heart is just startin’ to heal
And you’re so close to makin’ me feel
Me feel … Alive, alive, alive,

I didn’t ever think that I’d be given
Everythin’ that I was missing
It’s like somebody out there’s listening
Still not sure, that I’m ready

But maybe I could
Maybe I should
Take a, take a chance on you

Tonight, I’m lost in the music and lights
I don’t wanna let go but I might
If it’s right
Tonight, tonight, tonight, tonight

Is this real?
Cause this heart is just startin’ to heal
And you’re so close to makin’ me feel
Me feel … Alive, alive, alive, alive

You’re makin’ me feel, alive, alive
Alive, alive, alive, alive

I don’t know if it’s love again
But I’m closer than I’ve ever been
You’re makin’ me wanna let you in (wanna let you in)
I can feel your energy
I can’t explain the chemistry
All the signs are telling me
Take a chance on you

Tonight, I’m lost in the music and lights
I don’t wanna let go but I might
If it’s right
Tonight, tonight, tonight, tonight

Is this real?
Cause this heart is just startin’ to heal
And you’re so close to makin’ me feel
Me feel … Alive, alive, alive, alive

Tonight, I’m lost in the music and lights
I don’t wanna let go but I mightIf it’s right
Tonight, tonight, tonight, tonight
Is this real?
Cause this heart is just startin’ to heal
And you’re so close to makin’ me feel
Me feel … Alive, alive, alive, alive

I wanna go to bed
With arms around me
But wake up on my own
Pretend
That I'm still sleeping
Til' you go home

Oh I can't look at you
This morning I should probably have a sign
That says 'Leave right now or quicker'
You've overstayed your time

If I don't believe in love
Nothing will last for me
If I don't believe in love
Nothing is safe for me
When I don't believe in love
You're too close to me
And that's why You have to leave

Maybe I slept peaceful On your shoulder
Your arm warm around my side
But it's different now It's morning
And I can't face your smile
The second that I feel
Your safe hands
Reaching out for mine I slip away and out of sight
You've ovestayed your time

If I don't believe in love
Nothing is good for me
If I don't believe in love
Nothing will last for me
When I don't believe in love
Nothing is new for me
Nothing is wrong for me
And nothing is real for me

When I don't believe in love
Why do you care for me?
When I don't believe in love
Nothing is real for me
If I don't believe in love
You're getting to close to me
And that's why you have to leave
And that's why you have to leave

If I don't believe in love
If I don't believe in love
If I don't believe in love
Nothing is left for me
If I don't believe in love
You're too good for me

So it is still a little weird, being single. It still doesnt feel right. When you come home late at night, i have to remind myself why you dont crawl into bed with me. Those times are hard. Those nights are the nights i fall asleep crying.

Less and less i find myself upset. More and more i notice things you are doing which have always annoyed me, except i wont put up with them anymore. I know i've said this many times, but it is amazing how much of yourself you give up in a relationship.. i dont know if this is true of every relationship, but it was true, probably on both sides, of mine

I am becomming my own person now. I am always going to have ups and downs... hopefully more ups. I am looking forward to the freedom of moving into my own home...and not having to answer to you when i make decisions. At the same time, i will miss discussing things with you. I will miss the times when we went driving, and talked about everything.. it was so nice to have a conversation with you.. i knew exactly where i stood, and felt completely comfortable. Now all of that has fallen away and i dont really know you anymore. Im not sure i want to.

I dont know if i want another relationship. At the moment the very thought of it makes me shudder. Im sure this will change in time. I want to be true to myself, to remain strong and most of all to rediscover myself.

I know this is an important time in my life. I still cant believe it, its almost as if i need to pinch myself to confirm this isnt just a dream.

OK so just a quick post to say i am still alive right now! Ive managed to get through the worst of it, and i am actually enjoying being single. Still living there but hopefully that will change soon, waiting to move out and the beginning of next month i hope!

Thats all i have time for, for now.. so until next time tata!

Getting me through this..

When you walk through a storm

hold your head up high

And don't be afraid of the dark.

At the end of a storm is a golden sky

And the sweet silver song of a lark.

Walk on through the wind,

Walk on through the rain,

Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown.

Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart

And you'll never walk alone,

You'll never, ever walk alone.

Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart

And you'll never walk alone,

You'll never, ever walk alone.

I wanted to grow old together but it was all a lie. At least thats how i feel. Its taken a while for me to be able to write this, and im not sure i will make it through this post.

Russell, my boyfriend of 5 almost 6 years, and i have split up. He said he still loves me but isnt sure he wants to be with me. I dont understand how thats possible.

How do i go on without someone who i thought i was my one? I never imagined myself without him. I always told myself never take anything for granted incase it did end and at least then i would have remembered all the good times. Ive now found out it doesnt work that way.

My friends and family are there for me. I know they are. I wouldnt be able to get through this without them. Unfortunately it doesnt make me feel any better. It doesnt change the fact that i feel as though a huge big part of me has just disappeared

I dont really know who i am anymore. I dont know how im supposed to react to this. I dont know if i can go on living my life without him. All i know is that i have to try, and hope that whilst im trying and trying to keep my self distracted, that it will all be better in time

I will always remember the good times. That first kiss on the beach, you holding chloe, me looking up into your eyes just knowing you were it for me. I will remember the excitement i felt that day that you told me you were getting a transfer.. and that nothing, not even my car crash, could ruin that day for me. I will remember looking forward to going home each day just to see you.. even if you didnt realise it. Perhaps i should have told you more.

I dont know why you dont feel the way you did. Perhaps i've changed. Perhaps we all change over time.